Friday, August 19, 2011

Ricebowl 103: Why uncle V is not allowed at weddings.

Uncle Victor is one of my best inspirations for crazy family stories. The man is not crazy by far, oh no. He’s exuberant, full of life and altogether a very dominating man. He’s the type that walks into a party and you’ll know he’s there all right- huge laugh and all. However, in that same dominating way, he also tends to have a one track mind, straight as the crow flies. Aunt Cee is the opposite in many ways- small, collected, graceful. Her authority comes from a sharp mind (and tongue) but not so much in the yelling, hollering, 10 decibels-higher-than-you way.

Aunt Cee has a best friend who happens to live with her extended family in Texas. (I’m picturing Henry Cho, are you?) Apparently the size of the town is so small that when a wedding happens, the whole town gets invited! Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Aunt Cee with Uncle Victor in tow arrive as guests of honor three days before the glorious Sunday wedding. Being a minor celebrity in the Asian community because of her television commercials on cable, she of course was basked in the glory of “Have you met Cee? Isn’t she gorgeous in person?” and “I can’t believe I’m meeting you!” Uncle Victor was shuffled to the side. (Awww…I know.) There’s a good reason though (at least according to Aunt Cee). After getting rambunctiously drink the night before the wedding and managing to thoroughly embarrass his tiny wife, Uncle Victor was already on eggshells.

“You do ANYTHING between now and our flight and you had better see what I’ll do!”

Apparently puking all over the dinner table hadn’t been all that endearing. Tsk tsk.

Trying to be quiet and as “un-embarrassing” as possible is a pretty boring task at a gigantic wedding. Left all alone with no one he knows, Uncle Victor decided to attach himself to the fewer male counterparts there- namely, the father of the groom. Who was crying quietly into a napkin.

“Be a man! What are you crying for?  You’re not selling him off, you’re just marrying him off!” The groom’s dad was not very consoled. Trying to think of more interesting things to do (and possibly thinking that if he was invited to drink, he could not possibly be blamed for drinking by his wife), Uncle Vee decided to offer the dad a toast.

“Oh I can’t, I have a heart condition.” The father said, pulling out his medication and putting it on the table.

“But you have medicine.”

“Yes, but I have a heart condition.”

“But that’s what the medicine is for. If you eat the medicine, it’s just cure the condition. Otherwise what’s the point of medicine?  So obviously you can drink!”

“…Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?”

Slapping the groom’s father heartedly on the back, he poured him a glass. And then another. About 30 minutes into the wedding reception the father slumped over at the round table, clutching his chest. Seeing as all the local townsmen and even police were at the wedding proved to be a bit inconvenient. The groom’s family was in an uproar, the bride’s family was screaming, the ambulance was on its way. The groom left with his dad in the ambulance, leaving a sobbing, tear-streaked bride at the front door telling everyone between hiccupping sobs, “Thank you, thank you for coming.”

Aunt Cee did  not speak to Uncle Victor for a week after returning to LA from the wedding. In the end, the father was alright and held no grudges, but Uncle Victor is no longer allowed at weddings.

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