(To my 4 month old puppy) “Hurry and have babies! Grandma will help you deliver and then I’ll take one and it will be so much more well-mannered than you!”
“You know he’s only with you because you’re young but soon he’ll realize you’re going to get old and fat and then he’ll be stingy with his money and never let you buy anything!”
“Make sure to eat less! Or better, don’t eat at all!”
“Why did you make my granddaughter so ugly? You know your aunt is visiting in two weeks! Grow faster! Grow faster!” To the dog.
“Why can’t you lose weight? You’re so young but you look like an old lady! What’s going to happen when you get older? There’s no such thing as ugly girls only lazy girls!”
(My brother got a Mr. T haircut so we tried to teach my mother to say "I pity the fool!")
"I pidy what? I pidy food? What I want food for? What food! Why you eat food?"
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